Aries

Mar 21 – Apr 19 

It’s difficult to confirm what is in the stars for you this week as Aries is still sitting on a bar stool and doesn’t realise the weekend is over

Taurus

Apr 20 – May 20

Get your notebook ready for a very long to do list, because Fate will bring you a lot to do this week. And Fate has no time for 3 day hangovers.

Gemini

Apr 21 – Jun 20 

Bad news may hit you like a hammer on the head this week. Or the bad news may actually be a hammer hitting you on the head. Time will tell.

Cancer

Jun 21 – Jul 22

Leo

Jul 23 – Aug 22

Oh, wow Leo, next week is going to be something else for you! Really. It’s just an awful pity we can’t see what “something else” means in this case.

Virgo

Aug 23 – Sep 22

The stars predict that food will materialize in your fridge, if you open the door ten times really quickly without blinking.

Libra

Sep 23 – Aug 22

Before you head out the door this week, Libra, make sure to take your retainers out.

Scorpio

Aug 23 – Nov 21

Sometimes you should just sit back and laugh at the hilarity of life. But right now you need to realise people falling over and breaking bones isn’t actually funny.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 – Dec 21

We’ve all heard that God and the stars wont give you more than you can handle. But they’ve never drank 2 bottles of buckfast, have they?

Capricorn

Dec 22- Jan 19

Nobody expects you to be a complete genius, Capricorn. But you probably should know by now that it’s time to change the bed sheets.

Aquarius

Jan 20 – Feb 18

It’s in your nature to believe that everything happens for a reason, Aquarious. So there’s probably a reason that you didn’t pull at the weekend.

Pisces

Feb 19 – Mar 20

We can’t say why people are “sick of your act”. The accents are spot on, and the costume changes are breath taking. Keep doing your thing, Pisces.