Aries 

Mar 21 – Apr 19 

Open your eyes and you will finally meet the person of your dreams. This may sound exciting, until you think of some of your dreams…

Taurus

Apr 20 – May 20

For centuries humans have struggled to find the secret to a happy life. For you, it will come if you just get over yourself and stop scrolling through your ex’s social media

Gemini 

Apr 21 – Jun 20 

It’s in your nature to be suspicious, Gemini. You think that cup pigs and pug puppies are too cute to be true, but you’re wrong. 

Cancer 

Jun 21 – Jul 22

Leo

Jul 23 – Aug 22

Jupiter is rising into Virgo, and it’s looking like a pretty good week for you. Except for on Wednesday. On Wednesday you should avoid all dairy products.  

Virgo

Aug 23 – Sep 22

There are two kinds of people in this world. Spend this week trying to figure out what they are. 

Libra

Sep 23 – Aug 22

This week would be an excellent time for you to be considerate towards your roomies. Try labelling every electric appliance in the house with pink sticky notes. Except for the kettle. 

Scorpio

Aug 23 – Nov 21

You may be shocked by a realisation that caffeine doesn’t agree with you this week. But you’ll drink coffee anyway. 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 – Dec 21

Mercury rising in your sign indicates that things are about to get hot and heavy. Don’t get excited, this is only because climate change has caused mercury to expand, and rise on the thermometer. 

Capricorn

Dec 22- Jan 19

The stars foresee great heartbreak, loss, and danger ahead for you, especially if you do not stop sending such unflattering nudes. 

Aquarius

Jan 20 – Feb 18

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t be anything you want in life. Surgical techniques and gene-grafting will soon allow anyone to assume giraffe form.  

Pisces

Feb 19 – Mar 20

This will be a week of kinder surprise after kinder surprise.It will become sickeningly sweet after a few hours, terrifying after a few days, and unspeakable after that.