Ennis Road local Lawrence Maxwell-Mulcahy, has begun his bid to be University of Limerick’s Student’s Union President for 2017, with his confidence boosted after the election of fellow demagogue, Donald Trump. Maxwell-Mulcahy’s promise to “Make U.L. grand again like,” will be supported by his Da, who is loaded.
Although the candidate has numerous sexual assault court cases pending he doesn’t believe it will affect his vote with the female electorate. “The chicks dig me…,” grins the 21 year old Limerick candidate, “…that was totes years ago when I was like 19. All. A. Load. Of. Bollox.” His political opponent and fellow candidate Mary O’Hanlon has received a great deal of abuse from the Limerick man, accusing her of sending emails to his ex in Carlow I.T. and numerous other past girlfriends. Several of them have since been quoted as saying that “Lawrence’s such a dick and a tad rapey” and that “he has distressingly small hands and feet, like those of an infant”. However when investigated by the SU it was discovered that all the emails have since been deleted and charges against Ms. O’Hanlon are pending.
Even though the title of his political campaign, A Rally with the Clan, caused national uproar when announced last week, rumours of an endorsement by Trump are continuing to circulate. Lawrence claims that the aforementioned ‘Clan‘ is “just a group of white rich lads, that hang out. Sure isn’t clan not Pagan Irish for fam. Some peeps need to get a grip.”
Derogatory chants have been heard at these rallies and members of the L.G.B.T. Society in U.L. Alex Thompson commented on her outrage after protesting at one of Maxwell-Mulcahy’s last clan rally. Mrs. Tompson alleges that the ‘L’ from their L.G.B.T banner was stolen at the protest. When questioned on this matter, Mr. Maxwell-Mulcahy responded, “Listen, there is a lot of people angry out there. We are angry. Maybe the L was taken because they have enough letters, and we only have two ‘U’ and ‘L’. They are trying to take the ‘L’!? Our ‘L’ and have it for their own uses!? Not happening! If I get elected I promise to build a wall around the campus and make the G.B.T community pay for it.” Ending his controversial retort, with his now signature utterance of, “Grand. Deal. Make it grand again.”
He said he couldn’t legally comment on rumours that “burn the gays” was being chanted at his latest rally outside The Stables bar on campus but he refrained “If it was being shouted, my clan were probably shouting ‘Turn the G A Z E’.” He then got upset questioning all the foreigners working in Specsavers whom ‘we’ educated and said that ‘we’ should indeed “turn the gaze… turn the gaze of them foreigners staring at us like we’re in the wrong like!” Let’s face it we’re all at least a little bit racist, amirite?” claims Mr. Maxwell-Mulcahy.
Sporting a blazer with his campaign slogan “If you aint white you aint right” on the back of it, Mr. Lawrence Maxwell-Mulcahy congratulated Trump on twitter and added him on Facebook, hopeful of further advice and support from the now U.S. President-elect and Leader of the Free World.
Eoghan Danaher