In a recent poll conducted by Oxygen.ie the iceberg from Titanic has been voted the ‘Greatest Movie Villain Of All Time’. The iceberg narrowly fought off competition from seemingly more traditional villains such as Voldemort, the levitating eye of Sauron and Darth Vader, who was, in a separate poll crowned the ‘Greatest Inspiration To Asthmatic Megalomaniacs’.
Trimble Dimbleby, a human man speaking about his decision to vote for the iceberg said, “Sure, there are probably people who’ve done worse things in movies, or killed more people- the Nazi’s for example, they’ve never come across well on screen, or that big eye in Lord of the Rings. But do ya know what? At least they knew what they were doing. If they killed a load of people, or the lads with hairy feet…-” “The French?” I suggest. “Hobbits! That’s it, if they kill a load of them then they might at least grow to regret it one day.”
“They might feel guilty afterwards,” Mr. Dimbleby continued, “that apparently happened to a lot of the Nazi’s afterwards. Could happen with that big hovering eye fella as well, might have a crisis of conscience or something and, ya know, shed a tear or whatever. But not the iceberg. As far as I know, ice can’t show remorse… at least I think it can’t.” At this point Mr. Dimbleby spent approximately five minutes googling the emotional capacity of ice, before continuing, “Yeah, it seems the general consensus is it can’t feel remorse. It’s just a big heartless prick that went on its merry way without a second thought for everybody it killed.”
That ‘big heartless prick’ and winner of our poll, despite making one of the most memorable débuts in cinematic history in Titanic, has since found work to be somewhat thin on the ground. The large block of condensed fluid, real name Timothy Iceberg, struggled to cope with the sudden meteoric rise to stardom. His name became synonymous with controversy and several run-ins with the law over alleged possession of crystal meth cemented his bad boy image. After his marriage to Pamela Anderson ended in a costly divorce- she has since denied all knowledge of this having happened-, Timothy Iceberg returned to his beloved Jewish faith and published a critically panned autobiography in a bid to set the record straight.
A book signing for his autobiography ‘Mr. Niceberg’. The book was a critical, commercial and literary failure.
His acting career since has been limited. The few highlights include doing some background work in The Day After Tomorrow, and providing a lot of motion capture work for the scenery in hit children’s movie franchise Ice Age. Trimble Dimbleby, upon hearing this stated, “Ah jaysis that was him as well? I’ve had to sit through all of those Ice Age movies with my kids and that floating disaster has been the scenery this whole time? The one time I’d actually want him to kill everyone in sight on screen, and he just sits there letting that sloth bastard prattle on. He definitely deserves to win the poll, utter frosty arsehole he is.”
Timothy Iceberg is currently on tour with Al Gore, campaigning against global warming.
Rory McNab