Enda Kenny announced that he, as of midnight last night, was to step down as Fine Gael party leader, and thus as Taoiseach. He is to continue as acting Taoiseach until 2nd June when his successor will be decided.
Kenny made the announcement yesterday at a Fine Gael party meeting. He took to the podium kitted out in a set of waterwings and bestride a lilo, prepared to weather the floods of tears he expected to greet his announcement.
Standing at that podium in front of his long-time colleagues, with the exception of the various inflatable pool accessories, it was a scene which had occurred many times over the course of his leadership, yet it was to be his last party address as leader. “If you ignore certain things- many things, this country is, in a way, in a stronger position than it was when I took over,” began Mr. Kenny. “We’ve taken many steps forward during my tenure, and I like to think that, for each of those, I’ve ensured we’ve taken at least 2 steps back in various other areas.”
Being first elected to the Dáil in 1975, the longevity of Mr. Kenny’s political career is remarkable given the fact that he is so utterly visually reminiscent of a scarecrow in a horror movie which has been cursed with life.
Mr. Kenny during his announcement, braced to remain afloat in the inevitable sea of tears.
“I am not going to lie, I am going to leave big shoes to fill, and either Leo or Simon, will have a hard time filling them. Perhaps they could stand in one each and lead the nation together?… But no, they would no doubt be mocked at international meetings for this.” continued Mr. Kenny. “However, I will say that, based on the limited options available within the party, they are certainly the two best candidates to succeed me.”
“I have utmost confidence in the ability of either of them, to continue on my legacy of obdurately standing in the way of many aspects of national progress.” Mr. Kenny then gestured to both Varadkar and Coveney, standing at opposite sides of the room. “They are standing in the wings, each ready to lead, each ready to fight, like two shirtless, greased Olympians. So ready to lead, so read to fight and so, so greasy.”
With this Mr. Kenny announced the commencement of the succession contest, by breaking a pool cue over his knee and throwing a half to Coveney and Varadkar, signalling that he wanted the issue to be settled promptly and bloodily.
It is understood that Enda Kenny is not expecting to much by way of a leaving gift, perhaps just a cast bronze statue of himself and a few days of national mourning, a week at most.