Anna Walsh has been trying to infiltrate the male mind in search of some semblance of logic. Judge for yourself to see if she’s found some…
1. After you stroke my ego all day, stroke my balls.
Also, a sandwich without having to ask wouldn’t go astray.
2. Don’t ignore me ignoring you.
Men are allowed to be insecure as well, you know. It’s just our way of showing it. Love me!
3. Don’t object when I figuratively (maybe literally, if you’re into that) piss all over you in public/on social media to mark my territory.
This is me maintaining the faithfulness in the relationship. It’s like me fixing the pipes in the sink when you’re not around. You don’t have to thank me.
4. Do the boring small talk with people we sort of know so I don’t have to betray my crippling awkwardness.
This is where you come into your own. You’re the people person. I supply the orgasms.
5. Ditto for restaurants/cinemas/etc.
I have the testicles so you have to be boring to even it up.
6. Remind me of things I have to do, but gently.
I approach you with the civility and calmness that your vagina commands, you don’t want to get me riled up.
7. DON’T NAG ME.
We’ve been through this. Over and over. And over and over and over and over and over again.
8. I get to have all the fun when we drink.
Men can handle more than women anyway. It’s science. Look it up, love.
9. Don’t bring up the times I’ve cried, but don’t forget them either.
Those are sacred moments between you and me. They’re also sympathy vouchers to use a time of MY choosing.
10. Always respond, never make the first contact. (Also good advice on how to be a real woman)
And respond briskly. This a crucial tenet of the male/female dynamic. We speak on my terms. Anything else is an argument.
11. Always ask me to go places with you, even though I won’t want to.
Don’t worry. I normally won’t want to.
12. Get emotional over something so I can use this as evidence of you being crazy when we break up (you kept asking me to go places with you even when I didn’t want to.)
But when I get upset it’s because I am depressed and it’s very hard for me as a male to get over that stigma. But you’re just overreacting.
– Anna Walsh #annaw999