BThe Superbowl now has it’s two finalists, The Los Angeles Rams and Boston’s New England Patriots
For the next few weeks, people who think that American Football is actually a good sport that isn’t Rugby with too many rules will try to tell everyone that they’re an authority on the subject and turn Superbowl viewing parties into a college lecture.
You’ll also have people who are casual, fair weather fans of the sport, who are maybe watching the game for the razzmatazz, the spectacle, and for the many, many ads that will leave you wishing for the return of communism.
Here’s our cheat sheet guide to the Superbowl.
What is the Superbowl?
The two best American Football teams in America play an over-complicated game of rugby over 4 hours on a Sunday evening in Feburary.
Who’s playing and who should I cheer for?
The Los Angeles Rams are playing The New England Patriots. If you’re reading this article, there’s a good chance you’re an Irish college student who either has family ties to Boston, been there on a J1 or a holiday, or like Mark Wahlberg movies.
Cheer for the Patriots. Anything else is just NOTIONS and you being a traitor to your Irishness.
Purists and snobs will decry you for cheering what are the equivalent of Manchester United or Dublin GAA, but they’re weird and probably follow some hipster team like the Carolina Panthers or think that the New York Giants are actually a good team.
Who’s the star player?
The Patriots have Tom Brady, do you remember when Henry Shefflin would line out for Kilkenny every year in the All-Ireland and proceed to absolutely demolish your county?
Add the arrogance and rent-a-hunkness of Cristiano Ronaldo, and you get Tom Brady.
For the Los Angeles Rams, you have Aaron Donald, Aaron Donald is like when you play on your school team and suspect that the other team had an 18-year-old playing for them because he was built like a tank.
The oldest cliche in the book is “the immovable force versus the unstoppable object” and a pairing of Brady v Donald on Superbowl Sunday is the sports showdown we deserve.
Who’s playing the half-time show?
Maroon 5, I know, I know. To be fair it was going to be hard to top Prince in 2007 or Michael Jackson in 1993, but Maroon 5?
Go for pints or for a smoke when they’re on. To be fair, the NFL hiring Maroon 5 to do the half-time show is a consequence of the Colin Kaepernick controversy that we won’t go into here, but they might as well have gotten Mickey Joe Harte if they wanted bland 2000’s pop rock.
Travis Scott and Big Boi from Outkast will also be supporting acts to Maroon 5, the covers band who played your grad who accidentally became the biggest name in music.
Honestly, just go check your Twitter during the show.
THE SUPERBOWL IS IN ATLANTA, AN OUTKAST REUNION WAS RIGHT THERE, YOU COWARDS
What time is the Superbowl on for Irish audiences?
The game is at 11.30pm on Sunday, February 3rd and the coverage will be aired on BBC One, Sky Sports will also be providing coverage, but they don’t carry the advertisements that make the Superbowl such a cultural event.
If you want some free, dubious advice, look up an American stream, settle in for the night, and enjoy American culture in it’s most uncut, pure form.
