By Sarah Murnane
One of my favourite pastimes in life is to exchange fun sex stories. No matter who you are with, male or female, old or young, everyone can be united through a truly hilarious sexual encounter. A friend of mine tells a particularly hilarious story of a man beginning to sing The Beatles songs as he had sex with her. She told this story in the pub again recently, and after the hysterical laughter subsided we all made comments about how bad men can be at having sex. Whether it be the classic putting it in the wrong hole, or profusely dripping sweat on top of you, the accounts are rife and plentiful. On the walk home I posed the question to my group of female friends about whether they had ever rated their own sexual performances, or if they ever felt like they were the problem when having sex. Silence. They expressed they had felt anxious about sex and whether the guy would enjoy it, but none had felt the need to ‘perform better’ the next time either. This got me thinking, is it worse for a girl or a guy to be bad at sex?
The overarching common narrative is that a guy has to be good at sex, but this encompasses various criteria. Alongside being good at sex, the man has to show the woman how to have sex and what she finds enjoyable. I categorise this as the ‘virgin’ trope, seen in shows like Bridgerton and various teen dramas. Finally, that men regardless of the sexual situation should be considered “lucky” to be able to have sex at all. The quality of the sex is not even considered as an option, as long as the girl is good looking, the invisible bar has already been passed. In these scenarios, what the woman does makes no real difference to the perceived quality of the sex.
When one attempts to understand the details of what constitutes good sex, things get obscure. Ask any girl you know, and they will compile an extensive and detailed list of what bad sex is. Yet the rules for what is good are much looser, indefinable. Most women chalk it up to an innate feeling or flow, alongside communication and enthusiasm. The same conversation with a man however, the sex is rated based on the attractiveness of the girl he has had sex with. This dichotomy causes me problems, why are woman not rated on performance?
My theory is it relates to how we view the agency in sex. In these examples of bad sex stories, the sex is something that is done on to the woman. The man is expected to have some greater knowledge about how the event should go, and she is there to receive it as it is. As in the ‘virgin’ trope, where a man shows a sexual inexperienced woman how great sex can be. She is not an active participant in the situation but instead allows a man to preform an act onto her. In this way, it does not matter what she does or how she does it, it is for her to receive not to perform. Whether this is true on a case by case basis is left up to individual experience, but nonetheless it is pervasive in how people view having sex with each other.
This is where I fundamentally disagree, women should be seen just as active in sexual participation as men are. You are both there, therefore both equally responsible for making the experience enjoyable for both parties. Plus, any activity that can be measured I am all for making improvements on. I implore all female readers to treat their sexual encounters as if training for a half-marathon, there is always room for improvement. I do not give the men a free pass either. They are just as culpable. But I believe in an even playing field for everyone, so let’s try not to blame the men as much, or at least let’s beat them at their own game.