By Killian O’Boyle
After numerous complaints last year about their online module enrolment system, Trinity staff collectively replied, “fuck you” and have now made enrolment an in-person event taking place between 12am to 3am this Tuesday. The student union responded by blocking the entrance to the Book of Kells, but interest in the historic artefact has dropped severely in recent months after American tourists realised it’s not called “The Book of Kills”, causing the blockage plan to fail. Students have now begun camping out on the college green desperate to enrol in the good modules before they are full. The unfortunates who don’t succeed will suffer a fate worse than death: being forced to learn a topic related to your field of study that is super boring.
We here at Oxygen.ie decided to climb out of our ivory towers built upon the remnants of that one music festival people seem to remember fondly and interview these hopeful students about which modules they intend to sign up for.
Lorcan McMillian, 23, Business Student:
“I’m ok with getting any modules really. Apart from Business Ethics. I don’t really see the point in that one. I knew this one guy who ran a business ethically and it didn’t work out. I mean duh! Business Ethics, kind of an oxymoron, no?”
Dave O’Gordon, 19, Mathematics Student:
“I got here early because I want to sign up for Discrete Mathematics. I think that’s for like, when you’re trying to split a 50 bag, but some people don’t have Revolut or only have small change. I’m hoping to become a drug dealer once I graduate so it’s kind of a necessary skill to have.”
Brittany LaChance, 25, History Student:
“I’m here because I need to get into “Imagining the Middle Ages.” That sounds like an easy pass. Look, I’ll do it right now. *She closes her eyes* I’m near a castle. I have a sword. Everything smells bad. I’m on top of a dragon now. My king just ordered me to kill revolting peasants, and I do it, but at night their screams haunt me. *She opens her eyes* See? Easy.”
Brendan O’Neil, 28, Philosophy Student:
“What module am I signing up for? Is this not a protest for something? I need healthy avenues to get this internal anger out of me.”
Saoirse Townley, 19, Nursey and Midwifery Student:
“As soon as I saw Observational Astronomy was on the modules list, I knew I had to be first in line. I observe astronomy stuff all the time. Like yesterday my friend Sinead got all the questions right in the Mean Girls pub quiz and I was like, oh my god you’re such a Gemini! And then I thought, wow, I could like, teach this or something. If the lecturer ever feels ill, I have a whole PowerPoint on why Scorpios are such natural born freaks. It’ll totally open your eyes.”
Pitbull, 43, Famous Rapper:
“I need to get into international finance baby! And after that I’m signing up for international trade. Woo! They don’t call me Mr. Worldwide for nothing. Now I’m gonna be Mr. Certified Worldwide. Hey, that rhymes! I could use that in a song. Economics, I’m on that shit!”
Patryk Baczewski, 24, Film Student:
“I’m signing up for the Anime module because I like throwing my €3,000 in tuition money down the drain.”