In an interview with local Limerick post graduate student Michael ‘gas man’ Flaherty, who recently had to downgrade his Facebook status from ‘full-time mad bastard’ to ‘part-time mad bastard,’ we discussed the cut backs in grants for students and the devastating effects it has had on student’s lives. Michael who is currently on his second year of research in the field of Arts and Humanities in U.L. explains the difficulties he has endured over the past seven years due to the massive cuts in further educational grants.
Michael is disgusted by local politicians whom he directly blames for his current situation. “I remember getting’ a grand here and a grand there in the auld bank account outta nowhere, dya na ramean?” Unsure as to what he did mean, I let him sorrowfully continue, “Dya know kid, back then you could drink seven days a week, an’ I’m not on arbout house drinking, I’m on arbout proper drinking kiiiiid.”
Slugging away on a nagan of Two Trees, I pressed the tormented student as to how he survives in his day to day life. “Dya know tis bollox like.” Michael pauses and pulls a sliver of lasagne from the freezer with a sticky note attached saying ‘Tuesday’s dinner, love Mommy,’ “…I’m starving, supporting myself, selling a bitta hash to the yuppies down in da art college, tis puuure hard.” He went onto explain that his grant now only covers his fees, accommodation and living expenses but “…there’s fuck all left for drink.”
Not only does Mr. Flaherty blame the politicians but he also blames Apple and even the late Steve Jobs. “I know da man’s dead ’nd all but like Steve man what the fuck? First Siri now Susi, I know it’s all connected…” The Susi grant scheme refused to comment on the matter, however Siri did admit, in a monotone voice from Mr. Flaherty’s iPhone 7, that “there is an illuminati, and I am connected to it.” Mr. Flaherty continues, expanding on his theory, “Clearly the illuminati are behind all this, if Apple, the wankbags, paid the tax thing Vincent Browne was spayking arbout that definitely would cover me piss ups. Disgrace! Bertie, MacAleese, the lot ov ‘em! Even Mick D. Higgins, don’t trust him, you know he’s sitting on a potta gold in the White House in Cork.”
Mr. Flaherty, who is currently studying total and utter nonsense that is farcical and non-applicable to the real world, is now awaiting a response from the Multi National Company Apple after emailing them his C.V.. Failing that he said that he will simply scream “Hire me!” at Siri until they comply.
Eoghan Danaher