In light of the recently discovered widespread doping of Russian athletes, international organisations have taken and analysed blood samples taken from Russia’s 2012 Olympic Games participants.
After intensive observation and testing, the FDA has confirmed that these individuals show all the hallmarks of one of sporting’s most potent performance-enhancing drugs; The urine of Vladimir Putin.
Dubbed by officials as‘The Soviet Solution’, Putin’s urine has a supernatural effect on those who consume it.
After rounding up willing test-subjects, scientists started by injecting small amounts of Soviet Solution into their forearms and recording their observations on tape.
“It was really incredible to watch. After just one hour of exposure we noticed a huge drop in the sympathetic capabilities of the test-subjects, followed by an insatiable urge to conquer Ukraine. ”
After more prolonged exposure, the scientists in question noted something quite unusual.
“At first the test-subjects behaved with relative normality and peaceful demeanours toward their fellow guinea-pugs, however after six hours of exposure they began to fight each other for dominance of the laboratory.”
We asked the spokesperson for TPPP, (The Putin Piss Project), to elaborate on his last point. He responded with the following.
“It was uncanny. After a few rounds of bareknuckle boxing, they moved on to a vote to decide who would become their leader, this was all futile of course, seeing as every one of them displayed an incredible affinity for rigging elections.”
The president of the United States has strongly expressed his concern for the wellbeing of all young athletes who might be tempted to use The Soviet Solution to further their careers.
The president in particular implores parents of athletic children to familiarise themselves with slang terms for the recently popularised drug, such as ‘Liquid Communism’, and “The Oligarch Elixir”
As of this moment in time there is no further information available.
Brían Mannion
Brían is an 18 year old writer, currently working on a novel. You can see more of his work on his blog