We’re well into January right about now.
The Christmas tree is down ages, the last of the selection boxes have been finished and the dulling pain of reality has begun to sink in.
Of course, that also means that people will be diving into their new year’s resolutions which will likely include eating less, going out less and joining a gym.
As well as being rather costly, the pure thought of joining a gym is enough to turn one some people into nervous wrecks?
“What are all these machines? What do I do here? What if I die on a treadmill?”
You needn’t worry though. As always, we at Oxygen.ie are committing to helping and this time, we are delighted to present our comprehensive, trustworthy, completely-serious-in-every-way survival guide to the beginning of your gym journey.
Please note: Oxygen.ie does not take any responsibilities for any injuries suffered, embarrassment caused or really, really dirty looks received as a result from following any of these tips.
Dress To Impress!
Ever see that Ariana Grande music video? With the models and the exercise bikes?
You know that’s exactly how gyms work in real life, yeah?
When it comes to picking your workout outfit, forget about things such as ‘comfort’ or ‘performance’. You have to look the part too.
This goes for the guys too. Forget about those old, comfortable t-shirts. Sure why not go with a pair of nice jeans?
Treat the gym like a nightclub, because dressing well and looking good is the real important thing when it comes to working up a sweat.
Get The ‘Bros’ Together
If you go to the gym, you’re a ‘bro’. That’s just the way it works.
Don’t try and fight it. When you go to lift to some iron now, you got to get yourself some ‘bros’ to bro it up. The more the better.
They’ll do minor things such as spot you and help it out. It’s more than that though.
You all got to spend 20 minutes at the same bench, shout out bro compliments (bropliments, if you will) and generally let the rest of the gym know the way your squad roles.
Don’t worry about minor things such as noise, politeness or general gym ettiquette; all you gotta worry about are your bros.
Don’t Forget: EVERYBODY Is Watching
Some people might try to boost your confidence by insisting that no one watches you in the gym, because they’re too focused on their own work.
Let it be known now that this advice is absolutely wrong.
Of course everybody is paying attention to you. When you walk through those doors, all eyes are on you and the pressure to perform is intense!
Don’t dare look like a fool, or your membership card could actually be cut in half before you can even turn off the treadmill.
Always keep the eyes looking at the back of your head in mind when you’re doing your thing. You know already how important the opinions of complete strangers are…
Lift As Much As You Physically Can, And Then Some
The more you lift, the more you work, the bigger your muscles get. That’s quick maths.
Keep this in mind when you head towards the free weights. Whatever you feel you can lift, you can probably lift more.
Don’t worry about ‘limits’ or damaging your muscles. Yes, there the things that help you actually move and walk, but sure they fix themselves? Nothing a few steaks won’t fix!
Listen to your ego when your choosing how much your gonna lift. What’s worse after all; crippling pain or embarrassment?
Grunting Will Definitely Help You Work Harder
You might think lifting weight is simple.You pick up heavy object, you lift it, and then you put it down.
This process is missing one vital step though; the grunt.
It works in several ways; not only does it have a direct correlation with the strength in your muscles, but it will also let EVERYBODY else know just how hard your working.
Don’t worry about those dirty looks from across the room; they’re not annoyed, just jealous.
So don’t forget, pick up, lift, grunt and then put it down. It’s essential.
Make Sure Everyone Knows Your In The Gym
In the 21st century, bringing your phone to the gym is probably more important than even a water bottle.
After all, if you don’t let every single one of your Facebook/Instagram/Twitter followers know that your getting your pump on, did you even really go?
This will require at least five selfies, three tweets and maybe even the odd Boomerang to get the full desired, effect.
Don’t worry about the queue building up for your machine, they can wait. This is obviously more important and know that they will kindly understand this.
Just Do Whatever
We will admit that when you first walk into a gym, the sheer variety of machines and equipments can be overwhelming.
Should you maybe take a class? Perhaps read some instructions or better yet ask one of the employees. Not a chance!
So long as your moving one or two of your limbs and feel yourself breathing heavy, who cares if this is actually a machine for your legs. It’s bicep time now!
You won’t even look like a complete fool. The grizzled veterans of gym life will be coming to you for tips now about your new, revolutionary workout.
Don’t go with the normal, safe, established way of doing things. Do your own thang.
Annual Membership? No Problem!
Perhaps the most important thing is to trust in your own belief that you will use the gym regularly no matter what from the minute you part with your cash.
Annual membership? Locked in contract? Sure a few hundred euro is a bargain when you’ve already convinced yourself you’re gonna go to this gym 5 times a week for 12 months.
Trial periods are for weaklings. You’re a man of your word. Let your money go and embrace the gym lifestyle!