Festive shoppers in the nation’s capital can take solace in the fact that the government have passed a new law that means it is now illegal for the nation’s homeless people to make eye contact with the public as they buy their Playstation 4s and One Direction albums to give to their children on Christmas morning.
The Christmas shop has become more of a chore in recent years due to the economic downturn. Residents of South County Dublin feel victimised by homeless people asking for spare change which, in turn, dampens the festive cheer for the nation’s lawyers and foot specialists. One ugg/leggings clad woman with sunglasses told Oxygen.ie, “Like, I just don’t want to have to think about other people’s misfortune during the holidays. It’s like the season of gift giving and I’m sorry to sound blunt but like if you don’t have a home, you’re not going to be getting iPads or One Direction tickets. It’s not my fault that I do all my transactions through plastic these days, this means I can’t be dishing out change to all the hobos that approach me.”
Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, told reporters after the announcement of the new law that, “It will mean that you won’t have to feel guilty anymore for having a warm home to go to after a day out in the cold shopping for your Angry Birds or your Instagrams. This will be the new stance for as long as I’m in office.” The news was met by the opposition party, Fianna Fáil, with optimism as the systemic elitist attitude of the party bared its ugly head.
The Taoiseach assured voters that any spare change collected during the Christmas shopping period by the homeless will be confiscated and used to alleviate the debt of the national banks.