by killian o’boyle
The national union of journalists made an emergency announcement today to stress that their reserves of capital letters are starting to run dry. “We were warned about this when the news cycle became a 24/7 affair. We said there’s simply not enough capital letters to keep up with demand. Unfortunately, our fears have become reality. From now on, news articles, including satirical ones, will have a strict limit on how many capital letters they can use.”
this announcement has created noticeable ripples throughout the international media landscape. the first artist to welcome the change was Charli xcx, who said the c will remain capitalised but the xcx will remain lowercase for the foreseeable future. “i always thought the capitalisation in xcx screamed xbox gamertag circa 2008. now it looks more like an emoji of someone who got food poisoning which is more on-brand for me”.
other noticeable changes to capitalisation rules include some days of the week. “obviously Friday still gets capitalised, because everyone loves a Friday” said local journalist and margarita drinker eve browning. “but tuesday is out. who in their right mind would care about capitalising a tuesday? Monday is hated enough so it gets capitalised, and then thursday is up to how the author feels when they type it out. Thursday is kind of give or take like that.”
religious groups have come together to protest against the changes, claiming that god should always be capitalised. “it’s just a sign of respect” said local parish priest eammon de butt. “what’s next? no more full stops? no more question marks. next thing you know we’ll start opening quotes and then never closing them. its madness. you won’t be able to tell when the article you’re reading is finished. it’ll look incomplete and slightly rushed