The Impact Of Brexit Upon The Eurovision Song Contest:
We are all anticipating the potentially disastrous outcomes of Brexit on the Irish economy; on Anglo-Irish relations and on the European Union generally. However, what all the experts have neglected to address is the impact the triggering of Article 50 will have on the greatest intra-European competition of all time! The cement that glues “The ever-closer union” in place, the Eurovision song competition. In this article, I will briefly discuss the irrelevant economic and political impact of article 50 that somehow hoovers up so much of the print dedicated to this topic, before getting to the real Issue, the future of Ireland’s success in the Eurovision!
The End Of The Kerry Golden Age And The Beginning Of The Marmite Crisis:
Trade is affected with the imposition of tariffs on imports which apply to goods traded between Britain and EU. Ah well, at least there are no laws against haring it over the border in your battered Punto, to fill your boot with cheaper goods. Grandma you can still have your urinating cherub for the back-yard, and bucktoothed adolescent Timmy can still get orthodontic treatment at an affordable price, for now…
However, the poor Brits will suffer. The Kerry Golden Age is over. British toast will be as dry and tasteless as a cow’s turd in summer. Let us not forget the ‘Marmite War’, the infamous time when Unilever refused to supply Tesco with the luxurious spread in response to Tesco’s refusal to hike their prices. RIP savoury crumpets. It wasn’t just Marmite affected, with PG Tips tea, Bovril and BEN AND JERRY’S unavailable.
This was clearly a cause for a rising. Personally, I would have suggested a staged protest, perhaps dressing up as native American Indians, looting Tesco and hurling the mock Marmite and cheap-ass tea into the Thames. The Thames Tea Party. Original, right?
Unemployment:
It has been said that a “hard Brexit” will cost the state over nine to ten billion over the next five years! This would leave the unemployment rate 2 points higher than usual. Perhaps not the best time to be a newly ejected graduate in your twenties.
Well, Supremacs now has a four-round interview process, the fourth round involves a Hunger Games-style fight to the death, followed by a swim in the Liffey with burgers taped to your back, to lure in genetically superior rats (You know the one metre long, semi-aquatic ones recently found in Cork? Well you will. You will).
They will end you.
I will say for us lawyers, corporate restructuring will lead to the creation of more jobs (Presumably once you have a decade’s worth of experience) Moving swiftly onwards!
Relations Between Ireland And The UK, And The Impact Upon The Results Of The Eurovision Song Contest:
Mr. Kenny’s successor now faces leading Ireland through a period of difficulty and uncertainty, more complex and unpredictable than the financial crisis, or the Northern Irish Troubles…
Aside from the impending political and economic doom associated with Brexit, and the necessity to reconfigure the Irish image on a global scale, of all the things that could befall the Irish Government, short of the outbreak of war, this is the most critical. Ireland did not qualify for the finals of the Eurovision song contest.
How is this disaster related to Brexit, you may ask? Well, this budding economist recognised the link immediately. The European Union faces a crisis of legitimacy. There has now been a rise of the populist movement towards political extremes, perhaps even towards Supremacy! Britain clearly had another agenda last Saturday, as feck all pity points were given to us by our supposed neighbours in the semi-final.
Poor old Brendan Murray, a fine-looking chap, great voice on him, and hand-picked by Louis Walsh himself, suffered greatly at the merciless hands of British voters. As the lyrics of his song stated he was “dying to try”, but failed horribly. Unfortunately, the literal balloon of hope Mr. Murray released into the air was brutally punctured by the Brits that evening, by their suspicious withdrawal of pity points.
Something was rotten in the state of Kiev that night. Britain clearly had another agenda. Withholding from saving Ireland’s arse in one of the most fundamentally important competitions in the history of the European Union?! This withdrawal of the blessed pity points could be viewed as a marked attack upon this state, or maybe more broadly anti-European Feeling? A need to reign supreme over the competition? or perhaps withdraw completely? Who knows… One thing is for certain Ireland’s loss was certainly not due to a lack of Irish talent. Indeed, we are a country of winners.
In 1970 Dana was our blessed Saviour with “All Kinds Of Everything”.
And people say you can’t look good in leather after 50…
In 1981, we produced the handsome devil Johnny Logan with his famous one hit wonder “What’s another year”, (He featured in almost every McDonald’s advert in the decades to follow, which surely signifies his inherent sex appeal and global success).
An Unsure Future for Ireland in the Eurovision?
Will the activation of Article 50 lead to Britain’s exit from the contest? Without British support is it possible for Ireland to truly win the title again? Even if Britain don’t in fact exit the competition completely, we are clearly engaged in a vicious battle against one another. Irish response to British entry Lucie Jones was taciturn to say in the least. Null Points! It will be up to Louis Walsh to negotiate the difficult terrain of Anglo-Irish relations left in the wake of Brexit, next year in the Eurovision song contest 2018! God speed Louis, god speed.
Jessica McCarthy