If you’re sitting in a dreary office or a mundane lecture this afternoon, you might be wishing for some sort of bomb to drop and end the boredom.
We normally like to keep things light-hearted here at Oxygen, but even we can’t deny that people seem to be throwing around the N-word (no, not that one) around more often these days.
Now, we don’t really know why anyone would want to nuke us! How could the world go on without Guinness, Brennan’s bread or cheesy Liam Neeson action movies?
Then again, when you have fake than enthusiast Donald Trump, creepy uncle Vladmir Putin and human Michelin man Kim Jong-Un in charge of nuclear weapons, it’s hard to really bank on anything.
With that mind, let’s say it did happen. Would you be safe in the bowels of Connemara? What about the honest folk of Laois or Offaly? Who would live and who would perish?
With that depressingly morbid question in mind, we used the helpful tool at nuclearsecrecy.com/nukemap/ to project the effects of a nuclear being bombed on Dublin city centre and see what happens.
For the purpose of this experiement, we’re saying that the largest nuclear bomb ever built (the USSR ‘Tsar Bomba’) is the weapon in question, because that’s just more… fun?
DUBLIN CITY CENTRE
If you happen to live close to town, or are unlucky enough to be doing some shopping on Henry Street, you’re toast.
With a fireball radius of just over 6 kilometres, anyone within the distance will feel the maximum effects of a nuclear explosion, which we imagine is fairly self-explanatory.
On the plus side, you don’t need to worry about any of the nasty after-effects? Every cloud has a silver lining and all that.
It does mean that the Spire, the G.P.O, Trinity College, City Hall, and all of the other iconic city centre landmarks will be reduced to flames and rubble? You culchies might be laughing, but you’l miss us when we’re gone!
Oh, and even if you’re in a neighbouring suburb, such as Rathmines or Drumcondra, this effects you too. Sorry!
DUBLIN SUBURBS
To the folks living in any of Dublin’s suburbs (stretching from Ballymun to Dundrum), congratulations! You probably won’t be burned alive
Unfortuantely, that’s the only real positive to take here. In a 13km radius from the bomb, the air blast radius is so great that almost all concrete buildings are demolished and fatalities approach 100%.
Dundrum Shopping Centre will be in ruins, Blanch will be a pile off rubble and Finglas will cease to exist, although that one might not be the worst thing in the world…
SURROUNDING DUBLIN AREAS
Unless you are in the complete backarse of Dublin, this pretty much applies to you and it is not good news.
While the air burst isn’t as fatal in the 33km circle, most houses will still collapse (you think the homeless crisis is already bad enough) and injuries will be widespread.
On a more reassuring note, fatalities have been downgraded from ‘universal’ to ‘widespread’. I mean, everyone will still be fairly knackered but we can deal with that.
One point for the commuters! It can only get better from here…
LEINSTER
Don’t think your gonna get away with this just because you live outside the Pale!
If you happen to live in Meath, Louth, near Tullamore, Portlaoise, Carlow and the northern half of Wexford, you might not die but your unlikely to have a great time.
That’s because anyone within 77km of the explosion will likely be exposed to third-degree burns. While these can be painless, they also cause severe dismemberment and require limbs to be amputated. Your dreams of playing county will finally, definitvely be over for good.
There’s also little nuisances such as injuries caused by the breaking of glass windows, and firestorms if any flammable materials happen to be about.
You wouldn’t have really described Drogheda or Navan as ‘lit’ before, but one little nuke and it could all change!
OTHER AREAS
Surrounding areas such as Kilkenny, Athlone, Mullingar, Cavan, Longford and Newry will also be due a bit of trouble.
The only immediate effects you suffer from are some superficial first degree burns.
Kind of like a nuclear sunburn, they’re relatively harmless and will heal in 5-10 days. The rest of the country might be in bits, but think of the tan you’ll get once them burns heal! Priorities.
EVERYBODY ELSE
CONGRATULATIONS! You have survived the great Irish Nuclear Explosion of 2018!
Well for now. While the People’s Republic of Cork will inevitably uprise to try and feed on the scraps and lead the ruined country, there’s a few little things we still need to worry about.
Nuclear fallout (just Google it, it’s nasty), the collapse of the economy, law and order, world famine and the destruction of the Guinness Storehouse will be pretty grim to live in.
On the plus side, there’ll be many around the country who would relish an All-Ireland final in Pairc Uí Chaoimh, and Galway will become the nightlife capital of Ireland purely by default.
It might not be a world worth living, but Irish survivors more than anyone else will find a way to have the craic, even the world is literally ending around them.