By Killian O’Boyle
Among the many announcements during this year’s budget, one of the most applauded is the government’s new cost of dying package positioned to reduce the population and therefore have less people complaining about every decision they make.
Included in the cost of dying package is a new government identification card that will allow half-off of all cigarettes, fast food and anything else that could drastically reduce your lifespan. “We’ve heard you on social media”, said Minister for International Tax Evasion Ben McCoco. “I want to die. I wish I was dead. Just kill me. I’m happy to announce that from next year, we will make that easier for you.”
The new government initiative will allow members of the public to sign up for this savings card as long as they verbally promise to die sometime in their thirties. When asked about the logistics of operating such an initiative, Minister for Public Expenditure and Excrement Bert Burton stated that guidelines are already in place for potential abusers of the system. “We can’t kill anyone ourselves obviously, we just don’t have the resources and manpower for something like that. However, if someone signs up for the card and remains alive into their late thirties, we will be sending a disgruntled civil servant to your house to remind you that you should be dead, and you should cop on and die already. Shame is a remarkable motivator for the Irish public.”
However, concerns about the initiative have sprung up from civil rights groups claiming that the cost of dying package specifically targets low-income families and that the government has an ethical responsibility to not sneakily kill off the lower class. “It’s the fiscally responsible thing to do” responded Minister for Backrubs Seamus O’Neanderthal to the claims. “Maybe it’s not the humane or moral thing to do, but we haven’t done either of those in a while so why start now?”.
Other lauded announcements from the budget include new grants to fund going to the pub and a significant cut in National Defence spending in favour of more fence sitting.