Hello (or ‘Hey’) young people of Ireland, I hope this public message finds you well. I’m not sure what website you’re reading this from as it was conducted by speaking into one of the Dail’s Mitsubishi cassette recorders and telling one of the lads to put it on the interweb somewhere. But as you know mass emigration is something the Irish government is trying to rectify at the moment so here are five reasons why you should stay here in Ireland.
1. Red Lemonade
The Irish government has laid down a strict embargo on exporting red lemonade to any other countries. This is to protect our supply of red lemons on the coast of Donegal and to allow nightclubs continue to have it on tap when you want a mixer for vodka but don’t want to pay extra money for Coke or 7UP. Other measures have been taken on goods like Tayto crisps, Jonnie Onion Rings, and Country Spring three litre bottles.
2. Copper Face Jacks
Dublin’s city centre host a wide variety of sleazy nightclubs, but none compare to the social hub of Copper Face Jacks. The club is packed full of inebriated nurses, guards and students all eager to jam their tongues down each others throats while ironically dancing to Cotton-Eye Joe. And we want you to continue to enjoy this mecca. That’s why we’re going to introduce a Copper’s Tax Break where all receipts from Coppers can be claimed back against medical expenses.
3. A Safe Haven for Gingers
Ireland is the original breeding centre of people with red hair or “gingers” as they love to be called. The Irish government are currrently taking affirmative action in ensuring that these indigenous people are afforded equal rights and treated with proper dignity. Many people have accused my hair of being ginger when it is actually more of a ‘golden sunset’ shade according to the Dulux paint colour chart. Nonetheless, gingers are always welcome here.
4. Scary Animals Don’t Live Here
The advantage of the weather being a bit shit here is that it isn’t a suitable environment for poisonous reptiles and dangerous creepy crawlies. The snakes that could survive here were banished by St Patrick whacking them with a hurl and spraying their eyes with Dettol. As for badgers, I can’t really help you out there. Those pricks are nasty and also known carriers of tuberculosis. Your best bet when being confronted by a badger is to get inside their head, think what move he’s going to make and counteract that by standing your ground while resisting the temptation to make sudden movements. I’m sort of getting off the point here so I might just move on.
5. A Surprise
To be perfectly honest, I can’t think of a fifth reason so you’ll just have to come up with your own. Times of austerity involve cut-backs as well as you pulling your own weight, and this list is no exception. Remember there will always be reasons to move away from home, but you need to consider whether or not that is worth sacrificing the many joys that Ireland brings to its people. So don’t forget to show this on you Facebook page, or send out a tweet on your blog saying that Ireland isn’t such a bad place. Please, we’re fairly desperate lads.
Enda Kenny