Whether it be at the hands of a Bruce Willis straddled asteroid in Armageddon, or because of some really rather bleak weather in The Day After Tomorrow, humanity has shown that it is almost perversely fixated on witnessing the near complete destruction of civilisation as we know it. Even the Mayans got in on the act with their notoriously pessimistic calenders. Well, much like how the earth stuck two fingers up to the Mayans and decided to keep on trucking past 2012, X-Men: Apocalypse ignores the evident saturation of the super-hero genre and, globally, has been hoovering up money like there’s no tomorrow — which rather seems to be the point of the whole ‘apocalypse’ trend.
I remember an important lesson imparted to me by my manager during my days in schoolboy football; he said ‘try as we might, not everything makes the cut in this life,’ before going on to describe how my unique set of talents would best serve the team if I were repositioned as, less of a player, and more of a sort of jersey-washer. Similarly, as with all movies, many scenes were filmed for X-Men: Apocalypse that didn’t make the final cut, for various artistic or legal reasons. Fortunately, we here at Oxygen.ie have been granted exclusive access to some of the deleted scenes from the film.
Deleted Scene #1:
Location: Magneto’s Kitchen.
Duration: 2m 30s.
Magneto suffers mild concussion after banging his head off a low cupboard whilst doing some home-baking. He momentarily loses control of his magnetic powers and accidentally gets stuck to the fridge. One of his evil henchmen has to help prise him off with a massive spatula, specially designed for use in just such an emergency.
Deleted Scene #2:
Location: Professor Xavier’s X-Mansion, Educational Institute for Mutants.
Duration: 17m.
A prolonged montage depicting an increasingly tense email exchange between Professor Xavier, the head and founder of the school for mutants, and the New York State Education Department over funding. Professor Xavier refuses to accept that his application for a grant to help purchase props for the production of ‘Wind in the Willows’ by the school’s amateur dramatics society was turned down. As the tone of their emails become ever more irate we are left on the edge of our seats, wondering whether the production will go ahead. The scene is helped toward an emotional crescendo by a medley of Enya songs underscoring the final 10 minutes, as eventually Professor Xavier secures the grant.
Professor Xavier, in an arrogant exhibition of his psychic ability composes an email with the power of his mind.
Deleted Scene #3
Location: En Sabah Nur’s Office
Duration: 4m 15s.
The super-villain and evil protagonist of the film, En Sabah Nur, having changed his name to ‘Apocalypse’, is informed by his lawyers that a progressive rock band from Brazil have been going by that name for some time. Despite listening to, and being somewhat enamoured by, their blend of symphonic rock, with a heavy emphasis on electronic keys, in an effort to avoid any confusion in brand identity, En Sabah Nur travels to Brazil to obliterate the band and all evidence of their existence with his bare hands.
Last known photograph of Brazilian band ‘Apocalypse’ before their obliteration.
Deleted Scene #4
Location: Career’s Guidance Counsellor’s Office, Educational Institute for Mutants.
Duration: 3m.
New recruit to the school, Scott Summers, or ‘Cyclops’ as he comes to be known, makes a visit to the careers guidance counsellor’s office having excelled in his lessons at the school. Much to Scott Summers’ dismay, the career’s guidance counsellor states that he predicts a long and promising career ahead of the young mutant, as a shepherd. A heated argument ensues as Scott Summers fumes, screaming that he was hoping to pursue something that catered to his talents, namely shooting laser-beams out of his eyes. In his anger Summers accidentally demonstrates this ability and melts a framed photo of the career guidance counsellor’s wife that was perched on his desk. After much discussion and some cleaning, they eventually find middle-ground, and Summers agrees to settle for a career in finance.
Deleted Scene #5
Location: Professor Xavier’s Office, Educational Institute for Mutants
Duration: 5m.
Professor Xavier is forced to break the news to some applicants to the school that, unfortunately, their mutant abilities are not deemed viable enough for them to be enrolled in X-Mansion. Among those rejected applicants are:
-
‘Body-Shame-man’; Will automatically morph into the idealised body shape of whatever villain is looking at him. The villain will be so overcome by the resurfacing of their own suppressed body image issues that they will be unable to continue fighting through the tears.
-
‘Pollen-Man’; Can release the spores of flowering plants at will. Any villains with hay fever or sensitive sinuses about better hope they have some Zyrtec handy, otherwise they are about to be on the receiving end of a severe dose of nasal congestion.
-
‘Jeremy Neumann’; A trained accountant who informs super-villains that their excessive expenditure on evil weapons, armoured suits, bases and personal armies is untenable. He lets them know that unless they seriously reign in their overheads, or find some alternative sources of revenue to redress their cash flow issues, then they are headed down a one-way straight to bankruptcy and asset liquidation.
En Sabah Nur being advised by Jeremy Neumann that his plans for world domination need to be downsized if he wants to avoid bankruptcy.
All three of them are utterly dejected, and, in a bid to boost their spirits Professor Xavier tells them to cheer up as it’s not the end of the world — again missing the point of the premise of the entire movie.
Rory McNab