By ChatGPT
In a display of humility so sincere it might have been rehearsed, Councillor Patrick “Pat the Lad” McCandle last night graced St. Jude’s Parish Church with his presence, armed with a lighter and a prayer. The event, described by onlookers as “deeply moving” and by one elderly parishioner as “a bit much,” saw the councillor lighting not one but all of the votive candles before the altar. Sources say he left no wick unburned, ensuring full coverage in what appeared to be a strategic attempt to win both divine favor and the local undecided vote.
The timing was impeccable. With the general election just hours away, McCandle—known for his campaign slogan “For the People, By the People, But Mostly About Me”—appeared to be a man of faith. Or at least, a man of extraordinary foresight, given that every major media outlet in the county somehow found themselves tipped off to his spontaneous act of piety.
“It was beautiful,” gushed one supporter, Sheila McGrogan, as she clasped a rosary she suddenly remembered she owned. “You could see the Holy Spirit working through him as he fumbled with that cheap Bic lighter.”
However, not everyone was convinced of the councillor’s newfound spiritual fervor. Fr. Declan Muldoon, the parish priest, expressed mild consternation when McCandle asked if he could “borrow” the collection plate for a “campaign-related miracle fund.”
“He seemed genuine at first,” said Fr. Muldoon. “But then he started asking if we could announce his Mass attendance on Facebook Live. He even offered to rename the parish hall after himself. It was… peculiar.”
The councillor’s candle-lighting technique, while effective, also raised eyebrows. Witnesses say he spent a full 90 seconds on his knees posing contemplatively, hands clasped in what could generously be described as prayer. “He kept mumbling about ‘guidance for tomorrow,’” noted parishioner Tom O’Shaughnessy. “Although I think he might’ve meant guidance on counting preferences.”
Local journalist Claire Ní Chaoimh, who arrived just in time to capture McCandle’s soulful gaze directed at the Virgin Mary statue, couldn’t help but notice the cameraman strategically placed to catch the perfect angle. “I mean, it’s almost impressive,” she said. “He managed to look simultaneously pious and electable.”
Critics were quick to pounce. Political rival and long-time sparring partner Mary O’Dubhglais issued a scathing press release shortly after McCandle’s church visit. “This is blatant pandering,” she declared. “Lighting candles will not undo 20 years of potholes, Patrick. The electorate will not be fooled by empty gestures—especially not ones they’ve seen every election cycle since 2007.”
But McCandle remains undeterred. At a press conference outside the church, he dismissed accusations of opportunism. “Faith has always been at the core of my campaign,” he declared, adding cryptically, “And besides, if you don’t light candles, how will people see the light?”
As the clock ticks toward polling day, one thing is certain: McCandle’s gamble on divine intervention may not sway the heavens, but it has certainly lit a fire under the electorate—or at least under his social media metrics. Whether the voters choose him remains to be seen, but for now, his candles burn bright.