Having endured the shit-storm that was 2016, with the insane loss of life through violence, or illness to the general state of the world being at a pretty low point, we move forward into 2017, having emerged from the chrysalis of suck. But in order to truly “new year, new me” it, we need to drop some of the dead weight and bad habits that raged in 2016. These thing will only weigh you down on your journey to be the best person you can be. And so the list of things we shan’t be bringing with us to 2017 is….
1) Texting While Walking:
A man walking and texting near a building site has nothing short of a death wish.I don’t care how co-ordinated you think you are, no one on this planet has the ability to walk and text at the same time successfully. I’ve seen people walk into poles, into traffic, trample small children and even lose themselves (you know what I mean, when someone looks up from their phone, has no idea where they are, pretend to look at their invisible watch and turn around into the opposite direction) due to this trend. For your physical safety, please, leave this habit in 2016. Your texts can wait!
2) Mansplaining:
Ah mansplaining. For those not familiar with the concept, mansplaining is the act of a man explaining something to someone, usually a woman in a condescending manner. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for asking for help when you need it. When it comes to building a car engine or what it is that make planes fly, I’m all ears. But when it comes to something simple, like how to turn on a toaster, I’m good. You don’t need you to help me unless I ask you to. ‘Kay?!
3) Contouring:
This one is purely a me thing. I just don’t know how to do it and am fed up with everyone else looking fabulous. So if everyone in the world could just get on my level, that would be great.
Don’t you dare die on me!
4) Phone Battery Life Expectancy:
For things like iPhones or phones that have advanced capabilities like charging other things or making me breakfast, I can understand why the battery only lasts a couple of hours. But in the case of my phone which is basically a brick that makes static-y phone calls, being charged all night yet only lasting 50 minutes of usage is something I’m not willing to deal with in 2017.
5) The Public Selfie:
The pubic selfie…. Oh sorry ‘Public’ was it!? Oh dear…There’s nothing worse than sitting on a bus, you, minding your own business then suddenly you look up and see someone talking a selfie. Half the time you can physically feel your stomach fold in on itself from second hand embarrassment, and the other half is spent trying desperately not to laugh as you see someone push out a pout, or do a “pretty smile” only to see their face fall back to the resting bitch face that was there before the camera came out. Be a decent human being and save your selfies for group situations or the privacy of your own home.
6) Man Buns:
I just. I don’t understand. What is their purpose? Just why?
7) Over Familiarity with Strangers:
Available to people with personal space and intimacy issues.If I’m standing at a bus stop, information centre or looking utterly lost on a street corner somewhere, feel free to come up and have a chat. But if I’m sitting alone, minding my own business and don’t approach/look at you first, then please refrain from giving me your opinion. Yes, this one is directed at you lady at the 49 bus stop and man in McDonalds telling me I need to smile more. Perhaps this says more about my face than other people’s behavioural habits, but I digress. Mind ya own damn bid-ness!
8) BUking:
This BUke has reached Code Red Status.
We all know and fear the almighty BUke. You know the one. Where you mean to do a silent burp and then puke comes up. Always occurring in the most awkward and public of situations, the Buke truly in the bane of modern existence and can stay in 2016, never to be seen again.
9) Wearing Gym Clothes in Non-Gym Situations:
“We are better than you and we want you to be aware of this.”Yes, this truly is a trend I hope to see the back of in 2017. I understand the leggings can be a bums best friend on days where comfort is essential. I also understand that some people (not me) enjoy exercising. But please, unless you intend to do squat thrusts and push ups in the middle of a lecture, refrain from wearing the legging and sports bra combo to a class/work environment. We get it, your fit. Point made, please do not assault my eyes with your toned physic any longer.
So finally, here’s to 2017 being even a tiny bit less shit that 2016. It really wouldn’t be hard. #NewYearWhoDis?
Ava Hollingsworth