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1. Weather Paradox

Pack for all possibilities because good weather at a festival is an absolute rarity. I don’t care what that weather app tells you, it can’t be trusted. You’ve a better chance of successfully putting up your tent on the first go than you have the rain not showing up. Just don’t put all your eggs in one basket and bank on good weather, because nine times out of ten, especially in Ireland, that basket's getting drenched and those eggs are going to get scrambled.

 

Pack for all possibilities because good weather at a festival is an absolute rarity. I don’t care what that weather app tells you, it can’t be trusted. You’ve a better chance of successfully putting up your tent on the first go than you have the rain not showing up. Just don’t put all your eggs in one basket and bank on good weather, because nine times out of ten, especially in Ireland, that basket’s getting drenched and those eggs are going to get scrambled.

 

2. The Toilets

First up, tackling that three-mile long queue. What seems like a never-ending feat, the queue moves at a snails pace while your clinging onto your dignity for dear life. As you get closer to the port-a-loos it all starts to become very real, you start to see things you don’t want to see, smell things you don’t want to smell. The horror then kicks in, is there going to be toilet roll in there? Has this lad actually just got sick in there before me? Is that what I think it is on the walls? So many questions, too little time. Just shut your eyes, hope for the best and pray that the lord above is looking down on you.

 

First up, tackling that three-mile long queue. What seems like a never-ending feat, the queue moves at a snails pace while your clinging onto your dignity for dear life. As you get closer to the port-a-loos it all starts to become very real, you start to see things you don’t want to see, smell things you don’t want to smell. The horror then kicks in, is there going to be toilet roll in there? Has this lad actually just got sick in there before me? Is that what I think it is on the walls? So many questions, too little time. Just shut your eyes, hope for the best and pray that the lord above is looking down on you.

 

3. Bar Queue

Your buzz has been a little bit damned. You’ve been in the queue for well over half an hour. All you want just is a fresh pint and be able to head back to the boys. You get to the top and are served up one of their finest branded flat warm beers. Yum. My favourite. Best part about it is you’ve half the thing spilt before you get out of the crowd. Happy days.

 

Your buzz has been a little bit damned. You’ve been in the queue for well over half an hour. All you want just is a fresh pint and be able to head back to the boys. You get to the top and are served up one of their finest branded flat warm beers. Yum. My favourite. Best part about it is you’ve half the thing spilt before you get out of the crowd. Happy days.

 

4. Food Scavenging

Probably the most you’re going to have to use your brain all weekend, what food is going to numb that hangover and set you up for the day. Are you going to go down the cardboard chips and greasy burger path, or are you going to be a sheep and follow the crowd down the hummus and falafel road? First off you’ve got to judge what you can stomach, otherwise you're going to pay the price.

 

Probably the most you’re going to have to use your brain all weekend, what food is going to numb that hangover and set you up for the day. Are you going to go down the cardboard chips and greasy burger path, or are you going to be a sheep and follow the crowd down the hummus and falafel road? First off you’ve got to judge what you can stomach, otherwise you’re going to pay the price.

 

5. Battery Scramble

If you don't record yourself and post it on social media did you really go though? The issue of phones running out of battery starts on the Saturday morning as everyone scrambles to get to the charger portals so their phones are prepped up and ready to go for Saturday nights antics. If it’s not, you may as well go home.

 

If you don’t record yourself and post it on social media did you really go though? The issue of phones running out of battery starts on the Saturday morning as everyone scrambles to get to the charger portals so their phones are prepped up and ready to go for Saturday nights antics. If it’s not, you may as well go home.

 

6. Group Shift

After a sufficient breakfast of 6 cans, 2 rice cakes and a cereal bar you and your mates are ready to hit up the main stage. Now, in a perfect world, you would move like a flock of flamingos weaving in and out of the crowds in a seamlessly synchronized manner. This however, is never the case. Quick change of transitions occur followed by countless numbers of delays as the lads start to drop off like flies, stopping for food, bathroom breaks or most commonly, attempting to chat up girls.

 

After a sufficient breakfast of 6 cans, 2 rice cakes and a cereal bar you and your mates are ready to hit up the main stage. Now, in a perfect world, you would move like a flock of flamingos weaving in and out of the crowds in a seamlessly synchronized manner. This however, is never the case. Quick change of transitions occur followed by countless numbers of delays as the lads start to drop off like flies, stopping for food, bathroom breaks or most commonly, attempting to chat up girls.

 

7. Shower Dilemma

“To shower, or not to shower,” the question faced by thousands of festivalgoers everyday, the very same problem Hamlet was faced with in the 13th Century. Do you grind it out and queue for hours for essentially a water-dripping tap that’s raised above your head or do you embrace the outdoors, bask in your own filth and become one with nature. The decision’s yours.

 

“To shower, or not to shower,” the question faced by thousands of festivalgoers everyday, the very same problem Hamlet was faced with in the 13th Century. Do you grind it out and queue for hours for essentially a water-dripping tap that’s raised above your head or do you embrace the outdoors, bask in your own filth and become one with nature. The decision’s yours.

 

8. Water Prices

The last thing you want to be doing when your at a gig is leave the act to go scout out the local watering hole. The food stalls know this and they know that they can charge 8 euro for a bottle of water and still sell thousands. Lets be honest, we’ve all done some pretty sick things for a sip out of someone’s water when you’re in the thick of it. Just me? Oh.

 

The last thing you want to be doing when your at a gig is leave the act to go scout out the local watering hole. The food stalls know this and they know that they can charge 8 euro for a bottle of water and still sell thousands. Lets be honest, we’ve all done some pretty sick things for a sip out of someone’s water when you’re in the thick of it. Just me? Oh.

 

9. Festive “fear”

It’s post festival. The morning after. You’ve woken up in the comfort of your own bed. You finally have time to dwell on, and come to terms with what you’ve done over the last couple of days. The Fear, it kicks in, and it kicks in hard. Yes you really did say that to her, you really did take your clothes off and go mud gliding, you really did drink 20 cans on the Saturday. All this stuff, your not dreaming it. You’ve got to live with it. But look, the silver lining, there’s always a chance to redeem yourself next year….

 

It’s post festival. The morning after. You’ve woken up in the comfort of your own bed. You finally have time to dwell on, and come to terms with what you’ve done over the last couple of days. The Fear, it kicks in, and it kicks in hard. Yes you really did say that to her, you really did take your clothes off and go mud gliding, you really did drink 20 cans on the Saturday. All this stuff, your not dreaming it. You’ve got to live with it. But look, the silver lining, there’s always a chance to redeem yourself next year….

Ben Logan

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