By Killian O’Boyle
Festivals can be the best time in the world… but they can also get expensive quickly.
You’ve already declared bankruptcy after purchasing a ticket and all the necessary camping gear. When you arrive, you’re stuck at the back of the crowd paying 12.50 for a pint of Heinken. It’s enough to make your head spin, and that’s before ingesting the mandatory amount of ketamine necessary to enjoy yourself in the DJ booth.
Fortunately for you, I’ve come up with 4 lifehacks that will ensure that you have a great time without the fuss. (EDITORS NOTE: OXYGEN.IE DOES NOT CONDONE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING LIFEHACKS AND WOULD RATHER YOU STOP READING THIS ARTICLE IMMEDIATELY. PLEASE CLICK SOME ADS ON THE SIDE BEFORE X’ING AWAY. THANK YOU.)
Drinks On Me
Everyone has their own way of sneaking in alcohol to festivals, from hiding it inside secret compartments to burying it inside the festival grounds a month previous and then returning to it using an elaborately constructed treasure map with a giant X marking the spot. However, security guards are getting wiser when it comes to secret compartments and tactics employed by pirates during the 17th century. Below is a foolproof way that works every time I need a sly drink at a festival.
First, mix your alcohol with water and put it in a giant water bottle. That way, if the security guard suspects something and taste tests the water, they’ll figure it’s just some awful tasting water and will let you pass. Then when you’re through, pour the mixture into a round-bottomed flask and boil it at 80°C. Once it reaches that temperature, insert your fractionating column into the mouth of the flask and allow the alcohol vapour that emerges to cool and condense in a separate container. Voila, drinks are served!
No ticket? Skies the limit!
Tickets can sell out for festivals very quickly, and it’s likely you didn’t get one before they did. Not to worry, because we know a lifehack that can get you in 100% of the time! But how, you might wonder? Security is tight around the entrance areas, and most festivals erect gates along the perimeter of the festival to keep trespassers out. But there is one massive blind spot they are forgetting: the sky.
The easiest way to take advantage of this obvious blind spot is to hire a private helicopter, get to about 750 meters (or lower if you’re feeling adventurous!) and skydive into the festival. For the best possible results, light off some flares and have your friends who are already in the festival start chanting “sky-dive-time” to make it seem like you were hired by the festival to do this.
Front-row Without the Fuss
Being in the front row of a festival is a life-changing experience. Unfortunately, everyone is aware of that, so it’s borderline impossible to get there without waiting around for hours. You could always just push your way to the front, but the guilt will eat away at you and will eventually turn you into a bitter and jaded person. Thankfully, we have a solution that doesn’t involve actively being a jerk, only indirectly!
Starting from the back of the crowd, begin screaming “Please I need to get to the front it’s an emergency!” and the crowd should part due to social conditioning. You can even dress as an EMT if you don’t think you can shout commandingly enough. Follow this strategy and you can just walk in a straight line to whatever spot you want. If you arrive at your spot and someone starts hassling you about making up an emergency, just say that the party was about to start without you, and that would have been a huge emergency! That should get them off your back.
No Tent? Take a Hike! (To the Taoiseach’s Office)
What’s a festival without camping? What’s camping without a tent? What’s a list article without rhetorical questions to bring up the word count? Unfortunately, tents can be super expensive to purchase, but don’t go cancelling those electric picnic tickets just yet!
We recommend checking the dumpsters behind the Department of the Taoiseach located on Merrion St Upper as an unusual number of perfectly working tents have ended up being chucked away for some reason. Maybe the Taoiseach isn’t a big fan of camping?
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