1) Disbelief:
You get assigned a group project, which is worth 40% of your grade, and all you’re thinking is that the lecturer is having a laugh. It’ll only be worth like 10% or he’ll change it to an individual essay. Prof Keegan’s just trying to scare us, you think.
Oh, just you wait.
2) Denial:
It’s currently Week 4 and it’s due Week 7. Keegan still appears to be under the assumption we will actually do this project. If no one does it, he can’t fail us all. Does he have that power? You start to ask your friends if they’ve attempted this project yet. No? Great stuff.
3) The Stalk:
Rather than actually starting the project, you begin to lookup the other members on social media. Some mutual friends. Oooh they went to Maga 2015 too. Although they have been in your course for two years and you’ve never even heard their name. But they look like hardworking and cooperative people.
4) The Add:
Someone is brave enough to add everyone but you wait a few hours to accept because you have to act like you weren’t hanging around wanting to get started. Nor do you want to be the person to add everyone. But if you can’t stand being in a group message with people you aren’t friends with, then just give them the add.
Be grand. Screw Facebook etiquette.
5) Awkward Encounters:
You pass group members in the library, and while you both know exactly who the other is, you don’t say anything and avert your eyes, because you haven’t “officially met” yet.
Awkward or what.
6. First Message:
You commend whoever sends the first group message. What a legend. Right, you assume, they will be leader. You can already tell what a hassle this will all be. You should be given an A for trying to schedule a meeting considering everyone’s clashing schedules; are these people actually in the same course as you or…?
(Note to self: never send first group message and assert yourself as leader, just lurk in the wings and please everyone with a joke).
7. First Meeting:
Everyone is equally freaking out at the fact the project is due in three weeks and you haven’t even chosen your title. So, naturally, you spend the remainder of your meeting bitching about what a stupid assignment this is and getting to know each other.
Hey, it’s all about team bonding, isn’t it?
8. F*cks Given:
Everyone runs to the library, scared shitless of failing the module. The group starts to rally together and it’s going well. A Google doc is created and you know things are getting serious.
9. Group Panic Attack:
You have another meeting and everyone manages to stress each other about, not just this assignment, but also the three essays in completely unrelated modules you have due in a few weeks.
Sound lads.
10. Zero F*cks Given:
It’s the last few days before you have your final meeting, and you don’t really give a shit anymore. I mean you probably won’t fail it, and look, some groups probably didn’t even have a Google doc. So, like, it could be a lot worse.
11. The Hand In:
Your leader has taken it upon himself to send in the soft copy, the hard copy, and any other copy you could possibly think of. Responsible people are so great to have in the group.
It is over. Thank the lord.
12. The Grade:
Eh, yeah, let’s not talk about that one.
13. The Aftermath:
Is it just me or do you never see your group members after? Even if they’re in all your lectures they somehow just cease to exist in your life. But then some night while you’re f*cked in Coppers, you see them in the bathroom, and reminisce about having endured such a traumatic experience together.
Good times.
(Being drunk at Coppers – not the group project.)
Hazel MacMahon