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Carlos Tevez demands slot on X-factor and robot butler to fulfil Man City contract

Carlos Tevez - Aspiring singer. Mentalist

Carlos Tevez has further stunned Manchester City fans after releasing a bewildering set of demands, which he said were ‘absolutely non-negotiable’ if the club wanted him to continue to play for them.

The melty-necked Argentine, who announced this week that he wanted a transfer away from the side, said that although being paid in excess of 200,000 pounds per week was “Okay, I guess” there were other matters which were of a higher priority to him - including a slot on karaoke cash generator X-Factor, his own letter of the alphabet and a fully sentient robot butler.

“Since coming to England, I have watched every year as fat middle-aged women and semi-retarded twins from Lucan become stars,” said Tevez.

“If Man City want me to stay then they must speak to Simon Cowell and ensure that my band Piola Vago are guaranteed an automatic place in the final. We’ll show them how to tango baby!

Tevez did not elaborate on how his new letter of the alphabet would be incorporated into the English language but said it would sound “a bit like someone who has just been punched in the balls, that deep ‘uuuuurrrrggghhhh’ moan” and that the visual style of the letter would take its inspiration from “Prince’s mad squiggle thing.”

Tevez’s further demands stated that “everyone in Machester must wear a snood during the winter months” and that the delivery of a life-size intelligent robot butler was “a deal-breaker”.

“I want something like a cross between Terminator and Data from Star Trek,” said Tevez.

“He should be able to cook me Argentinean steak for dinner, have detailed discussions on football strategy and give me a special ‘warm-down’ massage after training.”

A spokesperson for the club said that Tevez’s demands were “confusing and very difficult to satisfy” but that they would do everything possible to keep the striker happy.

“It’s not about getting more money at all,” said Tevez’s agent/owner Kia Joorabchian. “Carlos just wants to make sure that he is completely happy in his private life so he can concentrate on performing on the pitch.

“Though obviously, if the whole X-factor, robot, alphabet thing doesn’t work out 300 grand a week ought to do it.”

 

 
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